


please, please, please, let me get what i want

by undernightlight



Series: Gays in Space [36]
Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Rimmer's in love and he hates it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:46:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28643181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undernightlight/pseuds/undernightlight
Summary: Rimmer stared at the top of his bunk unable to sleep as Lister’s arm hung off the edge. God he hated him, but god did he love him. Rimmer wanted to bash his head against the wall.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Series: Gays in Space [36]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/951465
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	please, please, please, let me get what i want

Rimmer stared at the top of his bunk unable to sleep as Lister’s arm hung off the edge. God he hated him, but god did he love him. Rimmer wanted to bash his head against the wall.

It wasn’t fair, he thought, that he’d have to like such a dirty, idiotic goit. If he was going to be gay he could at least fancy someone who rather attractive and not a man who’s idea of personal hygiene was turning his boxers inside out after a week. He could at least like a man who didn’t snore quite as loud, though it wasn’t exactly keeping Rimmer up for he doubted he’d be able to sleep even if Lister was quiet. And it wasn’t like he needed sleep, as a hologram, but it was a habit he had yet to truly give up, at least in his head.

There were many reasons being a hologram was an entirely miserable affair - he kept a list of course - but touch was one of them. It was something that was entirely taken for granted by those living, and something so horrendously weird to get used to not having. He couldn’t dress himself in the morning, couldn’t eat - not that he needed to, but much like sleep his body wasn’t quite up to speed. He couldn’t write anything, couldn’t make anymore of his revision timetables, couldn’t even revise unless a scutter was there to turn the page for him, though revision had rather fallen to the wayside since his death; it’s not like there was much point.

Wanting things became rather pointless on the whole really. They’d probably never get back to Earth unless there was some sort of divine intervention, which Rimmer highly doubted for if there was a God, surely they’d have better things to do. There was no point in wanting anything, not a promotion, not a body, not a single death prospect; it was a waste of his mental energy.

And yet, he spent nearly all his mental energy wanting for things he could never have. He wanted that promotion, to become an officer and finally make his father proud. He wanted a body, to touch and feel and live again. Most hopelessly of course, he wanted Lister.

That was out of the realm of possibility even before he was dead, though his death wasn’t the only thing that made this desire of his completely and utterly foolish. Lister was everything he wasn’t, and unfortunately that was part of what attracted Rimmer to him, but Lister was not only that, but everything he could never be, could never hope to dream of.

If Rimmer wanted to be a slob, he could. It’d take getting used to, but he could do it - at least when he was alive he could of, not so much now as it was impossible for him to accumulate the mess required for slobbery - and if he wanted to, he could be lazy and unmotivated and smoke thirty cigarettes a day. But Rimmer would never be confident, never be happy in himself, never feel like he belonged anywhere. Lister had friends - used to - but Rimmer barely knew what it was like to hold an equal sided conversation. Lister was a mess but he had charm, but Rimmer had as much charisma as a flat tire.

God, why did he have to be in love with the man? It wasn’t fair. It was bloody, smegging unfair that he had to lay in bed with a brain that wouldn’t shut up about what it would be like to hold his hand, to kiss him, to make love to him.

With a tentative hand, Rimmer reached out. He hovered and let his fingers ghost along the lines of Lister’s palm. He couldn’t touch, not that he would dare get this close if he could, but it was as close as he could get, would ever get. Maybe that was for the best, Rimmer couldn’t help but think, letting his hand come back to his chest. Maybe, he thought, but it didn’t help him sleep any easier, knowing that the one thing he wanted more than anything, was forever out of reach.

**Author's Note:**

> angsty rimmer is one of my favourite things to write, could you tell?


End file.
